My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
