Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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