I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
