I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
His hands were made for my vagina.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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