you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
