you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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