He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
