Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
