I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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