Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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