i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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