I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
