the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
