i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
