"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Randomize
