The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
