You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
