if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
They are going to name an STD after you.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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