WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
