Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
