What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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