Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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