god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
don't judge my taste in strippers
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
