You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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