As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
