haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
