you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
