it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
