If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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