I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
