pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I think your dad took our porno
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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