ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
