Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
