bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Even the bartender felt bad for me
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
