i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
