hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
