i'm signing you up for texting rehab
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
