FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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