Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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