Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
