I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
