Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
