was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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