Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
