My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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