now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Randomize
