When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Randomize
