do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
