what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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