Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
