I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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