Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
