I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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