"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
