I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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