are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
