Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
