I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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