Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
