somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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