I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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