The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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