Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
