I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
