Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
