I think my vagina is haunted
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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