Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
