If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
